Tumblemoose Writing Services

Book ‘em, Dano – Ten fully arrest-able query gaffs

george — Mon, 03 Aug 2009 13:01:47 +0000

You have the right to remain silent – thanks for illustrating the point.

Anything you say can and will be used against you. No further elaboration needed.

You have the right to Counsel. You should have done that prior to querying.

Do you understand these rights? For the love of God, do ya?

Penal Code 451.2 – Greeting and Battery. Casual and off the mark salutations. “Hey man, check this out.” “Dear Mr. Jerry Jones.” Umm, it’s Ms. Jones. Who in the heck are you writing to? Not researching a little about the agent could get you sent straight to the slam.
Penal Code 333.6 – Impersonating a Writer. Yup, hitting “send” without checking for basic spelling and grammatical errors will get you a trip to the Iron Hyatt. Let me get this straight: You want the agent to consider shopping an entire book of hack writing, right?
Penal Code 745.4 – Excessive Bloviating. A three page query letter rife with your stupendous writing skills diatribe will only get you labeled as an opprobrious, gasconading windbag and will likely earn you three hots and a cot.
Penal Code 009.7 – Twilight Cloning. Who needs original? Heck, go with what has already been done because you know it works. Look how successful what’s-her-name is with all this teenage vampire stuff. Facsimile story line = A 300 pound snoring bunkie named “Bubba”.
Penal Code 883.1 – Genre Abuse. “Look, I know you don’t do literary romantic horror, but this story is really good. I know you’ll change your mind when I send you the full manuscript.” Judges have been known to sentence folks to back-to-back life sentences for this one.
Penal Code 111.1 – Bandwidth Theft. “I am so certain that you are going to want this book that I have included the entire manuscript for your reading pleasure. I included it in the body of this email AND I included as an attachment.” Go to jail. Go directly to jail. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200.
Penal Code 696.6 – Family Fraternization. “Hey, my mom and my sister tell me this is the best romance novel they’ve ever read. They would know because they’ve read them all.” How nice for you. Nothing like a good book review to get the ball rolling. Stand up against that wall over there and keep you hands where I can see ‘em.
Penal Code 490.0 – Impatience in the First Degree. “We need to move on this right away. Let me have your cell number so that we can wrap this up. I’ll email you every few days to see how things are going.” Solitary Confinement for you.
Penal Code 212.9 – Aggravated Ignoring. “I know your web site says you’re not accepting submissions right now but you don’t want to miss out on the epic novel of the past two decades.” What part of “No” don’t you understand? Off to the pokey with you then. Go on.
Penal Code 319-5 – Human Cloning. “Look, I’ve read every book that King has published. I can write circles around that hack. Am I the next Stephen King? No way. I’m so much better so you better snap me up before someone who knows what they’re doing does.” This one doesn’t even get you a trial in front of a jury.

As soon as I make parole, I’m going to start writing again.

Sickhouse – A short story podcast

george — Thu, 30 Jul 2009 19:36:12 +0000

From: http://www.keyourcars.com/2009/06/26/current-house-rules/

Per request, here is a podcast of one of my short stories. It’s just under 7 minutes.

Enjoy!

Here’s the text version:

Sickhouse by George Angus

At the end of the day, he was certain it was the goddamned house. There was no way so much grief and sickness could be born of happenstance. Could a physical structure hold such malevolence? If not the structure itself, was it an entity? Mila thought about it and decided it didn’t make too much difference. He had already decided what he was going to do and entity or structure notwithstanding – he was going to take care of that sonofabitch.

Mila knew there would be consequences. He didn’t care. How much worse could things be, really? Everything he knew, owned and loved had been taken from him over the course of a year, a lifetime. If everything had been gone is a single, terrible event, Mila may have been able to cope. It was the incessant, puttering little parade of misfortunes and tragedies that had a cumulative effect. The total of the parts were indeed greater than their sum.

The view from the street gave no clue of the toxicity that lay on the other side of the well-groomed hedges. A plain fronted home with twin dormers and a wrap around front porch greeted anyone who cared to walk up the walkway. Built in the early ’40s, and nothing too special about it. The oversized front door was a crimson red, brass mail slot and hardware accenting the entry. A large oak provided shade to the front yard in the summer, and plenty of leaves to rake in the fall.

Walking in to such a setting should invoke feelings of home and hearth, memories of Thanksgiving gatherings, sweet and filled with laughter and good times cherished by all and passed from generation to generation. Such imagery was not present here. Entering the walkway and crossing the property line proper, even the sunlight took on a slight, barely noticeable metallic glint. The first time it would be hard to spot, but after the house took its first bite, the entire appearance would change from the victims perspective.

Mila had moved his family into the sickhouse after searching for weeks to find a good house in the neighborhood close to the school he thought was the best match for his two boys. Griffin and Talcott were twins. At the ripe old age of 10, they were in many ways talented and wise beyond their years. Mila knew that any old public school would bore the boys to tears. Bored boys are boys apt to get in trouble, even boys with as much on the ball as these two. Their mom had suffered some kind of early mid-life crisis and took off to parts unknown. He was happy enough to have the boys and he guessed that was all that really mattered.

He had no way of knowing that the cut he suffered on his knuckle, catching it on a nail as he turned the key to the front door for the first time, would just be a small taste of what this abomination had in store.

Three months in and the boys had fought off meningitis. Griffin sicked up first, Talcott a day later. Hell, the twins had spent about a half an ear infection between the both of them since they could walk. Less than three months in the sickhouse and they damn near died.

Two weeks after they kicked the “screamin’ meanie Jesus” to the curb, The tranny blew in the truck. As just a corporate worker bee, Milas did ok financially but there wasn’t a whole lot left at the end of a month. The Ford fix coincided with the arrival of his tax refund, so that was a good thing, but a trip to Sea World with the boys would have to be pushed back a year.

Milas took these setbacks with his usual good grace. That would change when his boys were taken away by the sickhouse.

They weren’t really supposed to be alone that night. The sitter was there, but he stayed up after the boys went to bed, and sat on the back porch texting his buddies about plans for the weekend.

Gas water heaters fail all the time and carbon monoxide kills. Milas would never be the same.

Near catatonic since the funeral, Milas meandered through the beast that took his family. Yes, he could see it now, all too well. The house, the God. Damned. Sick… House!

Head hung down, sitting in the low back easy chair. Hands draped over the arm ends, a Marlboro between his fingers – lit, ash nearly to the filter, unsmoked. Late afternoon sunlight filtered into the silent room. Now he knew. The choice was obvious and an easy one at that. The sickhouse was going to burn, Milas would see to that. Tonight. Evil burns best at night and this evil would burn especially bright. Milas knew it in his heart.

He twisted the black plastic cap off of the gas can in the shed. The flashlight showed the can had about a gallon or so, and the sweet vapor rose to meet his nose. He stole a glance back at the sickhouse, flipped it off and smiled.

Chuckling softly, his barely held grip on reality loosening, Milas trickled the petro along the edges of the walls throughout the first floor. He tossed the empty can into the center of the living room and pulled the flare from his back pocket.

Striking the end of the flare against the friction cap produced a sulfur hiss and bright red jet of flame. Milas looked at the flame and tossed the fusee into the corner. “Fuck you.”

With a loud “whompf!” the gas caught. Milas turned towards the open front door. As he stepped towards the opening, the door slammed shut with brutal, supernatural force.

“No!!!!”

He reached for the handle, knowing that it would not turn.

As the flames closed, the walls crackled and cackled.

The sound of gentle laughter filled his ears.

The House blogging method

george — Mon, 27 Jul 2009 13:00:53 +0000

From: http://www.codinghorror.com/blog/archives/001048.html

If Gregory House was a blogger, I bet he’d be an A list type. Volatility attracts folks and I imagine he would get dozens of comments on every blog post, many of them impassioned. By the way, if you’re not a House fan then a lot of this may not make a whole lot of sense. The basic tenets are valid, though. From that standpoint stick around and check out the House blogging method to see if any of these strategies would work for you.

The House method

Pick the most interesting, challenging and sexiest cases. Why settle for a post about chicken pox when you can write about Psuedo-Sarcosis secondary to an Anthrax infection? The mundane has been done. Over and over again. Think about your niche. How can you take the normal “How to Get Traffic” post and turn it on its head?
No sensitive side here. The goal is to solve the case and not let the patient (post) die. No sparing of feelings allowed. Are there tough questions to ask in order to get to the root of the problem? Ask away. Ultimately you need to get to the answer so nothing is out of bounds.
Follow a blogging strategy that you think is correct and give it your all. If the patient continues to deteriorate then re-think your strategy and change medications – but you better do it before the patient dies.
Does a case have you stumped? Go visit the patient’s home. See what you can find that will clue you in. Translation: If you’re not sure which direction to go in your post, go visit the blogs of your readership and see what they are talking about, what their needs are and most importantly, what the commentators are saying.
Surround yourself with knowledgeable staff. On the web, that’s easy. Experts abound. Use their experiences to help solve your case (write your blog post).
Bounce theories off of your best friend. Surely you have a confidant? Even if you have no intention of paying attention to the advice, muse away at them. If your instincts are razor sharp, in the end you’ll both see that you were right.
Have a House moment. There is always that moment when something casual is said in a conversation and an epiphany comes barreling down the road. Pay attention to the mundane for clues to help solve your case.

Love him or hate him, House is an awesome force. Add a few House methods to your treatment plan and your patients will probably do just fine.

Let’s help a friend build momentum

george — Sat, 25 Jul 2009 22:26:53 +0000

One of my favorite sites for a while was Insight Writer by Jeremy Day.

Like Puff the Magic Dragon, one day Jackie Paper came no more. It happens. You rarely figure out why. Sometimes life happens – even to bloggers. So when I stopped seeing feeds from Insight Writer I was saddened and assumed that life had happened and Jeremy had moved on.

We have all seen it before with blogs that we like. It seems that they are there one minute and gone the next. I hold a minute of silence for my fallen brethren and then get back to business.

Imagine my surprise when about a month ago Jeremy surfaced again. I was very happy to see this. I don’t recall him posting a reason for the absence but that’s ok because I don’t need to know. I’m just happy to see my friend back. Jeremy has written guest posts here at Tumblemoose and his blog always has well written content that is valuable in its insight (as the name suggests) and one of my favorite stops.

I received an email from him today. In part, it says, “Its tough getting the momentum going again and I am enjoying every comment like its the first comment I received when I started my blog.” Well heck, I thought. I’m going to do what I can to help my friend get up to speed. I know he would do the same for me.

So here’s the deal folks:

Please stumble and tweet this post to get the word out.

Head on over to Insight Writer and post a comment or two.

While you’re there, please consider stumbling or tweeting one or two of his posts.

I’m sure Jeremy will appreciate the help and you’ll get a warm/fuzzy feeling inside for helping out a really great guy.

It really is easy to Podcast your writing

george — Fri, 24 Jul 2009 22:22:41 +0000

I had been wanting to podcast my writing and blog posts for a long time. I didn’t do it because I thought it would be complicated. I thought I needed mics and headphones and mixers and de-essers and aural exciters and fancy software and a Barry White voice (although that couldn’t hurt – hehe). Well as it turns out, you don’t “need” most of those things and if you have a WordPress site, it’s stupid easy. So easy that even a writer can podcast.

I did it and so can you

I researched “MP3 recorder” on line and after a number of false positives, I ended up with a great (and free!) program called Audacity which is an open source audio editor. I thought, “Well, THAT was too easy!” And it was. Download took a few minutes and the program is way intuitive. I recorded a test immediately. It worked fine. I adjusted the levels and I was ready to go.

Here’s what you need:

A mic/headset combo. Wal-Mart has ‘em for about 30 bucks. They will do just fine. They plug into your USB port and away you go. You can also use your built in mic on your computer bit they have a tendency to sound tinny and they can pick up unwanted noise.
Audio editor software. Audacity worked just fine for me and I absolutely recommend using it. If you decide to be a professional Podcaster in the future then you can certainly upgrade to a whistles and bells version later.
The Podcasting plug-in. It took a minimal amount of searching for this plug-in and it works great. It wasn’t rocket surgery to set it up and thus far it has worked without a hitch. For your blog posts, it puts a button/player right up at the top – no muss, no fuss.

That’s it!

Here’s what you do:

Plug in your headset
Open Audacity
Have a window open for the blog post you want to Podcast
When you’re ready, press the red record button in Audacity and sally forth!
Don’t be nervous, just read and you’ll be fine.
When you’re finished, press the stop button.
Press play and listen to the recording. Pay attention to background noise and excessively loud breathing noises. Also make certain the levels are ok. Not too soft, not too loud.
If all is good, you can save the file and then export as a mp3. Remember where you export the darned thing to.
In the WP dashboard, go to “Add New” under your Library tab.
Upload the MP3 file.
Copy the file location.
Paste to the URL file location under the Podcasting section in the dashboard.
You’re done! Welcome to the world of podcasting!

Give it a whirl and then come back with some URL’s so we can check out your writing podcasts!