You have the right to remain silent – thanks for illustrating the point.
Anything you say can and will be used against you. No further elaboration needed.
You have the right to Counsel. You should have done that prior to querying.
Do you understand these rights? For the love of God, do ya?
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Penal Code 451.2 – Greeting and Battery. Casual and off the mark salutations. “Hey man, check this out.” “Dear Mr. Jerry Jones.” Umm, it’s Ms. Jones. Who in the heck are you writing to? Not researching a little about the agent could get you sent straight to the slam.
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Penal Code 333.6 – Impersonating a Writer. Yup, hitting “send” without checking for basic spelling and grammatical errors will get you a trip to the Iron Hyatt. Let me get this straight: You want the agent to consider shopping an entire book of hack writing, right?
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Penal Code 745.4 – Excessive Bloviating. A three page query letter rife with your stupendous writing skills diatribe will only get you labeled as an opprobrious, gasconading windbag and will likely earn you three hots and a cot.
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Penal Code 009.7 – Twilight Cloning. Who needs original? Heck, go with what has already been done because you know it works. Look how successful what’s-her-name is with all this teenage vampire stuff. Facsimile story line = A 300 pound snoring bunkie named “Bubba”.
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Penal Code 883.1 – Genre Abuse. “Look, I know you don’t do literary romantic horror, but this story is really good. I know you’ll change your mind when I send you the full manuscript.” Judges have been known to sentence folks to back-to-back life sentences for this one.
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Penal Code 111.1 – Bandwidth Theft. “I am so certain that you are going to want this book that I have included the entire manuscript for your reading pleasure. I included it in the body of this email AND I included as an attachment.” Go to jail. Go directly to jail. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200.
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Penal Code 696.6 – Family Fraternization. “Hey, my mom and my sister tell me this is the best romance novel they’ve ever read. They would know because they’ve read them all.” How nice for you. Nothing like a good book review to get the ball rolling. Stand up against that wall over there and keep you hands where I can see ‘em.
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Penal Code 490.0 – Impatience in the First Degree. “We need to move on this right away. Let me have your cell number so that we can wrap this up. I’ll email you every few days to see how things are going.” Solitary Confinement for you.
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Penal Code 212.9 – Aggravated Ignoring. “I know your web site says you’re not accepting submissions right now but you don’t want to miss out on the epic novel of the past two decades.” What part of “No” don’t you understand? Off to the pokey with you then. Go on.
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Penal Code 319-5 – Human Cloning. “Look, I’ve read every book that King has published. I can write circles around that hack. Am I the next Stephen King? No way. I’m so much better so you better snap me up before someone who knows what they’re doing does.” This one doesn’t even get you a trial in front of a jury.
As soon as I make parole, I’m going to start writing again.
Hilarious stuff, Tumblemoose.
In a lather of trepidation, I’m off to peruse the dictionary in order to apprehend whether I’ve ever been guilty of gasconading ;~)
.-= milliverstravels´s last blog ..Picking Blueberries in Charleston, Tennessee =-.
Hi Milli!
Yup, had to pull out the ol’ thesaurus for that one!
George
This article has the ring of personal experience. The question is, which side of the offense were you on and now, which side of the bars?
Loved it. Practical. Funny. Creative.
.-= Terry Heath´s last blog ..A Pedagogy for Creative Writing =-.
Terry,
I’m afraid I’m gonna have to take the 5th on that one, my friend.
George
George,
Loved this post what a great way to add humour to such an important topic. Thanks for adding laughter to my evening. It’s such a pleasure to read something so refreshing.
Amanda
.-= Amanda Evans´s last blog ..Freelance Writer or Make A Quick Buck Writer? =-.
Hi There Amanda.
I’m glad you enjoyed it! I sent it originally as a guest blog contestant over at Nathan Branford’s Agent blog but he chose someone else
Bonus for the TM readers though!
George
Great stuff George,
I like your originality.
P.S. Don’t tell anyone, but I remember Hawaii Five-O – actually liked the show.
.-= Barbara Swafford´s last blog ..Who Are They To Say =-.
Hi Barbara,
Since we’re dating ourselves and all, I liked it too. Also had to learn the theme song for my Junior High marching band!
Yikes…
George
“It’s funny ’cause it’s true!” (Homer Simpson said it first
)
Reading this was a great way to start my day — thanks, George. I’m guilty of ignoring a publisher’s requirements as stated on the website, and submitting whatever I want. Hasn’t worked yet…but someone better arrest me before I do it again (and I will!)
.-= Laurie PK´s last blog ..A Freelance Writer’s Spreadsheet for Invoices and Payments =-.
Hi Laurie,
I’m glad I could start your day with a smile.
I’ve got a “get out of jail free” card whenever you need it.
George
LOL – You’re such a hoot, George!!!
.-= Michele | Writer’s Round-About´s last blog ..CSS Primer: Creating CSS Functional Webpages =-.
Thanks Michele,
I was feeling pretty “hooty” when I wrote it!
George
Hahaha! Funny George. Thanks for sharing. I needed a laugh — had a rough few days.
Btw, sorry I haven’t been around on your blog lately. I was in the middle of switching my blog over to a new domain and such. I’ll be back more often starting..now!
.-= The Gooroo @ iBlogPlanet.com´s last blog ..My Trip To Los Angeles – Summer 2009 =-.
Gooroo! My favorite peep! No worries, ok? I’ve been out of commission myself! Let me know if I can help you with anything, hope the rough patch smooths out real soon.
I’ll be checking back in soon.
George
Hysterical!!
“Penal Code 319-5 – Human Cloning. “Look, I’ve read every book that King has published. I can write circles around that hack. Am I the next Stephen King? No way. I’m so much better so you better snap me up before someone who knows what they’re doing does.” This one doesn’t even get you a trial in front of a jury.”
Love that humor! I can even see my daughter pulling off that statement with a completely straight face too.
.-= Barbara Ling, Virtual Coach´s last blog ..When your WONDERFUL readers ride to the rescue! =-.
Hi Barbara,
Thanks! I had a blast writing these as well. It still makes me grin whenever I read this post. Admittedly I am my own best audience tho…
Cheers
George
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